New Year
Hello Everyone!
Happy New Year!! It is officially 2017. Hopefully it will better that 2k16 ;). Honestly 2016 has been the worst and best year of my life. It's insane how much can happen in a year. This time last year I was in my basement with my best friends partying the night away. Now I'm not even friends with those people, I changed schools, I dyed my hair pink!! Most importantly, I made the most amazing friends I have ever had :)
2016 started out for me a pretty shitty year. I was not going to school at all, having 4-8 panic attacks a day and was not eating. The only thing that kept me motivated was my specials ed class. I started working in this class Sept 2015 and I fell in love with it. The kids were amazing and the teachers had become some of my best friends. I would start working at 9am and wouldn't leave until 3pm. Now technically I was only supposed to be there from 2-3... But the teachers always covered for me ;)
About mid February, my parents discovered a school that was dedicated teaching kids who had anxiety or weren't able to go to school. The whole idea of this school was to make learning all about you. I was hesitant when they first told me about this weird school. It seemed like a school for sick people. I didn't want to be "the sick girl". Eventually I caved in and took a tour of the school. I absolutely LOVED it! It was perfect. I met with a different teacher for every subject twice a week. It was just me and the teacher. No stress, no anxiety, just learning. I was over the moon with joy! I only had to be in school 2 days a week. For the first time in years I was excited about going to school!
When March rolled around I was in a pretty good place with myself. I was going to my new school for about a month and on my days off I worked in my special ed class. The special ed class was in my old school which was OK with me because I got to see my friends. I was finally happy, that didn't last long. Soon I was the targeted by an ex boyfriend who was also current friend. He would make comments about my weight (knowing it was my biggest insecurity). He'd embarrass me in front of all our friends saying how nobody could ever love someone like me. I felt so disgusting and alone. I couldn't tell anyone because he was in our friend group. So instead I just believed everything he said. Every nasty comment on my social media, every stupid remark in the lunch room, every deceiving text message. I was petrified that's what everyone thought of me. At the time I didn't see this as bullying or harassment. "We are friends, it is just banter" I would tell myself. By late march I was a mess. Not eating, taking pills to try loose weight, self harming... I was so vulnerable, and he knew just what to do to make me hurt. One day he took it to far. He told me to kill myself. To this day I don't believe he was serious. That's what my friends said to each other. But at the time I listened to everything he said. It was like I was under a spell and he had the power. That night I went home and just stayed in my room. I sat contemplating whether or not I should end my life. I almost did. I had a bottle of pills in my hand and I was ready. But something kept me here. Something told me I shouldn't. I thank god everyday for that voice inside my head that stopped me.
April was a roller coaster of emotions. My "friend" was still harassing me everyday. I was extremely exhausted all the time, never eating, not sleeping. People started to notice. My friends, my teachers, my family. They would ask me if I was OK. I would just put on a fake smile and say I was just tired. I had passed out many times in these few weeks. One day I was in the special ed room working. At this point I hadn't eaten in 5 days. I was a stick. I would go 5-7 days not eating a thing then cave in and eat a small meal then not eat for another week. Everyone went to lunch so I was just sitting in the room on my phone. When I first started working here I would go to the cafeteria, But with him down there I gave up and told everyone I had to work still. I was sitting on a table with my phone in my lap going through my Instagram. I clicked on a picture I had posted a few months ago. It was from that past summer, my sister and I standing on top of paddle boards with our oars in the air. I loved this picture, it just reminded me of when I was happy. Until I looked at the comments. They were all from him, saying I looked disgusting and to put clothes on, I was 12. Tears sprung into my eyes and started falling down my cheeks. Just as I was about to break down the door to the class room opened. As quickly as I could, I pulled myself together and made it seem like I was working. One of the paras walked in and as soon as he saw my me, his face dropped. I probably looked like a mess. Mascara stains down my cheeks, red cheeks, and messy hair from pulling it. He dropped what he was doing ran over to me and gave me a hug. I broke. Everything I was holding in came out. He just stood there and me let me cry into his shoulder. It was such relief! After I had calmed down he sat me down and asked me what's wrong. I told him everything. From the suicide attempt to not eating. I told him about my "friend". He just sat nodding his head listening. It was the most amazing thing anyone had ever done for me. After I had finished he told me..
"People are always going to try to tear you down. Its up to you if you let them." I let his words sink in. He was right. I cared so much about what this guy thought it affected how I saw myself. It was one of those moment where everything changes. I promised him that I would tell someone about everything. That night I went to therapy and spilled everything. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I felt free again. My therapist gave me options on how I should handle it. I went home and blocked him on everything. I spent the weekend with my phone out of my sight, while I hung out with my best friends. Over that weekend he tried to reach me through friends but I completely ignored him. I knew I couldn't do that forever but It was all I had so far. When I saw him around school, I would walk right past him, ignoring the many calls of my name. I felt so powerful but so awful at the same time. Even though he hurt me I didn't want to hurt him in return.
May was just filled with doctors appointments and therapy. My main focus was trying to get better. I finally told my mum everything. She comforted me and took me 100's of appointments. Eating disorder doctors, psychologists, Heart doctors, everything really. She was amazing, my whole family was extremely supportive. I was still not doing well at all. I had lost much weight I was on the verge of hospitalization. But I was trying to get better for everyone in my life. In little to no time, it was June. I was still really low with my weight, but mentally felt pretty great. I spent all my time in the special ed room. I was dreading the day I had to say goodbye to the place I called home. On the last day of school I received the most heartfelt, beautiful, and touching card. It was a note from all the teacher in the room. I read the card and did not stop crying for 3 hours. I'm not even joking it was so amazing to see such beautiful words written out. I said goodbye to my class and my friends and headed back to Boston for a few weeks.
In July I spent most of the time in Boston with my cousins and grandparents. I had an amazing time! I love Boston, it will always be home for me. My grandparents live right on a lake so I spent most of my time there. It is so breathtakingly beautiful there. I always look forward to staying there (even if I have to deal with my crazy family). My birthday happened just before I left Massachusetts, Ending up so I could have my 14th birthday in my favorite place. We headed home around mid July. I spent the entire summer at my best friends house . All of our friends would come over, he would start a fire and we'd sit out there for hours talking and goofing off. It was perfect.
Everything was going fantastic. It was now August and I was having the best time of my life. I was still having the occasional panic attack, but everything was so much better. I had started an intensive outpatient program for young women. One day I was supposed to go into downtown Seattle with my family. Instead I went over to my best friends house. I was just chilling there watching a movie, then something happened. Everything switched. All I could here was every bad thing I had ever heard or thought about myself. I knew I was about to kill myself. I got out my phone and typed out a suicide note. I made a stupid excuse to go home and prepared. I got out a bottle of pills and sat on my bedroom floor. I texted my goodbye to my 3 best friends. I poured the pills into my hand. Just as I was about to take them my brother and best friend burst through the door. What felt like seconds must have been minutes because he ran to my house and found me. I tried to fight them off and swallow the pills. They took all the pills and I burst into tears. I sat sobbing into my brothers shoulder whispering "let me die. let me die."over and over again. By this time all the friends I sent my goodbye too were in my room. All I remember after that moment is flashes of lights. My house was surrounded with cops and ambulances. It was the worst day of my life.
September was mostly just rehab visits and school. I still love school so much. I had some friends from the previous school year but I wasn't that close to them. I made a whole new set of friends and they are the most amazing people in the world. During this time my best friend, we'll call him K, was in a relationship. His girlfriend hated that his best friend was a girl. She made sure I know that too. K's girlfriend and my exes' current girlfriend became friends and turned everyone against me. I lost all my old friends, except K. He is the most amazing friend. I wasn't too upset at first just confused, what could they have said to make everyone hate me?
October was filled with thoughts of Halloween and the holidays. The holidays were my favorite time of the year. I was still continuing group therapy (aka rehab). I was slowly starting to get better and feel more myself. Mid October was when I heard about what everyone at my old school was saying about me. Someone had told everyone that I was sleeping with K. All my friends believed it and left me. I was mortified. I cried and cried. I had people I barley knew thinking I was a slut. K finally told me that it was all my old friends spreading these rumors. Including my ex boyfriend. My mum found out what he was saying and marched straight to his house to talk to his parents. His parents and mine are still friends, he has a wonderful family. She told them everything. They were distraught. After she talked to them she went to all my old friends houses and told them everything that was happening. I didn't get my friends back but I am ok with that. I have new friend who I am happy with. I will always love the people in my past for making me who I am, but they do not define my future.
At the end of October I also lost a dear friend. One day I was in rehab, doing art therapy with all the girls. (we had maybe 7 girls in the program at the time) Suddenly the whole mood of the room changed. I looked over and one of my friends was acting odd. She had her head down on the table and was shaking vigorously. A little background; She suffered from severe PTSD from living in Israel as a child. she would have attacks where she would loose all knowledge of who or where she was. It was horrifying to watch someone you love be in so much pain I tried to talk to her but she just ran. I can still remember the screams echoing down the hallway. We're not allowed to see her so none of us got to say goodbye. We don't know if she is alive or dead.
November and December I spent with my new friends from school. These are the most caring and kindhearted people I have ever met. I love them all to pieces. Mid December I had to say goodbye to my best friend. she suffers from extremely bad ADHD and had to be sent away to a inpatient clinic in Ohio. It was so incredibly difficult to say goodbye to the person I had grown to love. But i wanted her to get better. Over these past few months I finally accepted that I was ok without my old friends in my life. I always believed it was just messing around. Stuff friend did to each other. Of course I still miss these people all the time, but I don't need them in my life to be happy. I am now the happiest I have been in a long time and doing much better. I have finished my rehab program and living the best life I can :)
I am so sorry for the long rant! I've never really been able to get this all out into words so this is it. Thank you for listening. ♡
Sarah xxx
Happy New Year!! It is officially 2017. Hopefully it will better that 2k16 ;). Honestly 2016 has been the worst and best year of my life. It's insane how much can happen in a year. This time last year I was in my basement with my best friends partying the night away. Now I'm not even friends with those people, I changed schools, I dyed my hair pink!! Most importantly, I made the most amazing friends I have ever had :)
2016 started out for me a pretty shitty year. I was not going to school at all, having 4-8 panic attacks a day and was not eating. The only thing that kept me motivated was my specials ed class. I started working in this class Sept 2015 and I fell in love with it. The kids were amazing and the teachers had become some of my best friends. I would start working at 9am and wouldn't leave until 3pm. Now technically I was only supposed to be there from 2-3... But the teachers always covered for me ;)
About mid February, my parents discovered a school that was dedicated teaching kids who had anxiety or weren't able to go to school. The whole idea of this school was to make learning all about you. I was hesitant when they first told me about this weird school. It seemed like a school for sick people. I didn't want to be "the sick girl". Eventually I caved in and took a tour of the school. I absolutely LOVED it! It was perfect. I met with a different teacher for every subject twice a week. It was just me and the teacher. No stress, no anxiety, just learning. I was over the moon with joy! I only had to be in school 2 days a week. For the first time in years I was excited about going to school!
When March rolled around I was in a pretty good place with myself. I was going to my new school for about a month and on my days off I worked in my special ed class. The special ed class was in my old school which was OK with me because I got to see my friends. I was finally happy, that didn't last long. Soon I was the targeted by an ex boyfriend who was also current friend. He would make comments about my weight (knowing it was my biggest insecurity). He'd embarrass me in front of all our friends saying how nobody could ever love someone like me. I felt so disgusting and alone. I couldn't tell anyone because he was in our friend group. So instead I just believed everything he said. Every nasty comment on my social media, every stupid remark in the lunch room, every deceiving text message. I was petrified that's what everyone thought of me. At the time I didn't see this as bullying or harassment. "We are friends, it is just banter" I would tell myself. By late march I was a mess. Not eating, taking pills to try loose weight, self harming... I was so vulnerable, and he knew just what to do to make me hurt. One day he took it to far. He told me to kill myself. To this day I don't believe he was serious. That's what my friends said to each other. But at the time I listened to everything he said. It was like I was under a spell and he had the power. That night I went home and just stayed in my room. I sat contemplating whether or not I should end my life. I almost did. I had a bottle of pills in my hand and I was ready. But something kept me here. Something told me I shouldn't. I thank god everyday for that voice inside my head that stopped me.
April was a roller coaster of emotions. My "friend" was still harassing me everyday. I was extremely exhausted all the time, never eating, not sleeping. People started to notice. My friends, my teachers, my family. They would ask me if I was OK. I would just put on a fake smile and say I was just tired. I had passed out many times in these few weeks. One day I was in the special ed room working. At this point I hadn't eaten in 5 days. I was a stick. I would go 5-7 days not eating a thing then cave in and eat a small meal then not eat for another week. Everyone went to lunch so I was just sitting in the room on my phone. When I first started working here I would go to the cafeteria, But with him down there I gave up and told everyone I had to work still. I was sitting on a table with my phone in my lap going through my Instagram. I clicked on a picture I had posted a few months ago. It was from that past summer, my sister and I standing on top of paddle boards with our oars in the air. I loved this picture, it just reminded me of when I was happy. Until I looked at the comments. They were all from him, saying I looked disgusting and to put clothes on, I was 12. Tears sprung into my eyes and started falling down my cheeks. Just as I was about to break down the door to the class room opened. As quickly as I could, I pulled myself together and made it seem like I was working. One of the paras walked in and as soon as he saw my me, his face dropped. I probably looked like a mess. Mascara stains down my cheeks, red cheeks, and messy hair from pulling it. He dropped what he was doing ran over to me and gave me a hug. I broke. Everything I was holding in came out. He just stood there and me let me cry into his shoulder. It was such relief! After I had calmed down he sat me down and asked me what's wrong. I told him everything. From the suicide attempt to not eating. I told him about my "friend". He just sat nodding his head listening. It was the most amazing thing anyone had ever done for me. After I had finished he told me..
"People are always going to try to tear you down. Its up to you if you let them." I let his words sink in. He was right. I cared so much about what this guy thought it affected how I saw myself. It was one of those moment where everything changes. I promised him that I would tell someone about everything. That night I went to therapy and spilled everything. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I felt free again. My therapist gave me options on how I should handle it. I went home and blocked him on everything. I spent the weekend with my phone out of my sight, while I hung out with my best friends. Over that weekend he tried to reach me through friends but I completely ignored him. I knew I couldn't do that forever but It was all I had so far. When I saw him around school, I would walk right past him, ignoring the many calls of my name. I felt so powerful but so awful at the same time. Even though he hurt me I didn't want to hurt him in return.
May was just filled with doctors appointments and therapy. My main focus was trying to get better. I finally told my mum everything. She comforted me and took me 100's of appointments. Eating disorder doctors, psychologists, Heart doctors, everything really. She was amazing, my whole family was extremely supportive. I was still not doing well at all. I had lost much weight I was on the verge of hospitalization. But I was trying to get better for everyone in my life. In little to no time, it was June. I was still really low with my weight, but mentally felt pretty great. I spent all my time in the special ed room. I was dreading the day I had to say goodbye to the place I called home. On the last day of school I received the most heartfelt, beautiful, and touching card. It was a note from all the teacher in the room. I read the card and did not stop crying for 3 hours. I'm not even joking it was so amazing to see such beautiful words written out. I said goodbye to my class and my friends and headed back to Boston for a few weeks.
In July I spent most of the time in Boston with my cousins and grandparents. I had an amazing time! I love Boston, it will always be home for me. My grandparents live right on a lake so I spent most of my time there. It is so breathtakingly beautiful there. I always look forward to staying there (even if I have to deal with my crazy family). My birthday happened just before I left Massachusetts, Ending up so I could have my 14th birthday in my favorite place. We headed home around mid July. I spent the entire summer at my best friends house . All of our friends would come over, he would start a fire and we'd sit out there for hours talking and goofing off. It was perfect.
Everything was going fantastic. It was now August and I was having the best time of my life. I was still having the occasional panic attack, but everything was so much better. I had started an intensive outpatient program for young women. One day I was supposed to go into downtown Seattle with my family. Instead I went over to my best friends house. I was just chilling there watching a movie, then something happened. Everything switched. All I could here was every bad thing I had ever heard or thought about myself. I knew I was about to kill myself. I got out my phone and typed out a suicide note. I made a stupid excuse to go home and prepared. I got out a bottle of pills and sat on my bedroom floor. I texted my goodbye to my 3 best friends. I poured the pills into my hand. Just as I was about to take them my brother and best friend burst through the door. What felt like seconds must have been minutes because he ran to my house and found me. I tried to fight them off and swallow the pills. They took all the pills and I burst into tears. I sat sobbing into my brothers shoulder whispering "let me die. let me die."over and over again. By this time all the friends I sent my goodbye too were in my room. All I remember after that moment is flashes of lights. My house was surrounded with cops and ambulances. It was the worst day of my life.
September was mostly just rehab visits and school. I still love school so much. I had some friends from the previous school year but I wasn't that close to them. I made a whole new set of friends and they are the most amazing people in the world. During this time my best friend, we'll call him K, was in a relationship. His girlfriend hated that his best friend was a girl. She made sure I know that too. K's girlfriend and my exes' current girlfriend became friends and turned everyone against me. I lost all my old friends, except K. He is the most amazing friend. I wasn't too upset at first just confused, what could they have said to make everyone hate me?
October was filled with thoughts of Halloween and the holidays. The holidays were my favorite time of the year. I was still continuing group therapy (aka rehab). I was slowly starting to get better and feel more myself. Mid October was when I heard about what everyone at my old school was saying about me. Someone had told everyone that I was sleeping with K. All my friends believed it and left me. I was mortified. I cried and cried. I had people I barley knew thinking I was a slut. K finally told me that it was all my old friends spreading these rumors. Including my ex boyfriend. My mum found out what he was saying and marched straight to his house to talk to his parents. His parents and mine are still friends, he has a wonderful family. She told them everything. They were distraught. After she talked to them she went to all my old friends houses and told them everything that was happening. I didn't get my friends back but I am ok with that. I have new friend who I am happy with. I will always love the people in my past for making me who I am, but they do not define my future.
At the end of October I also lost a dear friend. One day I was in rehab, doing art therapy with all the girls. (we had maybe 7 girls in the program at the time) Suddenly the whole mood of the room changed. I looked over and one of my friends was acting odd. She had her head down on the table and was shaking vigorously. A little background; She suffered from severe PTSD from living in Israel as a child. she would have attacks where she would loose all knowledge of who or where she was. It was horrifying to watch someone you love be in so much pain I tried to talk to her but she just ran. I can still remember the screams echoing down the hallway. We're not allowed to see her so none of us got to say goodbye. We don't know if she is alive or dead.
November and December I spent with my new friends from school. These are the most caring and kindhearted people I have ever met. I love them all to pieces. Mid December I had to say goodbye to my best friend. she suffers from extremely bad ADHD and had to be sent away to a inpatient clinic in Ohio. It was so incredibly difficult to say goodbye to the person I had grown to love. But i wanted her to get better. Over these past few months I finally accepted that I was ok without my old friends in my life. I always believed it was just messing around. Stuff friend did to each other. Of course I still miss these people all the time, but I don't need them in my life to be happy. I am now the happiest I have been in a long time and doing much better. I have finished my rehab program and living the best life I can :)
I am so sorry for the long rant! I've never really been able to get this all out into words so this is it. Thank you for listening. ♡
Sarah xxx
This has the been the most moving post I have read in a while and in some ways, I'm trying to not cry because I'm shocked but inspired about how you've gotten through this year. I hope this year is going to be so much easier and it sounds like you've got a lot of people who love you in your life. Stay strong, always email me if you need to, Astrid xx
ReplyDeleteThank you! The fact that it has inspired you is making me want to cry. I am doing much better :) and same goes for you! email me whenever you need ANYTHING.
DeleteSarah xx